So My Friend Says Something About Tea Towels...

And here's what transpires in my head:

Funny you should ask about the towels. I was just in search of kitchen towels today. I prefer tea towels because they don't get all sassy with lint. Lint pisses me off. Remember, I have no dishwasher, so my towels need to dry my dishes without irritating me.

I'll ask. I like their birdcage & bike tea towels.

I haven't watched that move "The Birdcage" in a long time.

That's a damn funny movie.

Funny how my grandmother hid it from us. Probably because she thought it was 'sinful'.

That was a vhs tape anyway.

Where is that dvd/vhs player?

Maybe the kids have it somewhere. Basement? Crap, who cares, I don't even have the movie anymore.

I want chocolate.

Oh yeah, press "post"

Now you've had a glimpse into my head.

Scary, no?

The iPhone, The Finger, and Notes Passed In High School

Let me start by saying: Mom, please do not read this. You'll totally freak out. And you'll hurt your knees. Because you'll be on your knees praying for not only Zach's soul, but the soul of some girl at his high school who remains nameless. (Only because I don't know who it is) I was going to start a new blog and get a whole new internet identity so you would not be subjected to the temptation to go on after I begged you not to read this. But that is a lot of effort. So stop. Just stop.

So, anyway. For the rest of you. Here is the last 30 minutes of my life:

Call my cousin who is like a sister to me. Especially since neither of us had a sister. Leave a message for her asking which day she is mainly spending with the extended family because I want to be sure and do the same, to have some method of escape. And also so I can see her totally adorable girls, with whom I have formed an extreme mutual admiration society.

Since she didn't answer her phone I supposed she was in the car, or someplace like Macaroni Grill where she couldn't hear it ring. Or else she was shopping, in which case she would just let it ring. So I called her husband. He would be bored if they were shopping and gratefully answer his phone. Or so I thought. His phone rolled over to voice mail and all I could think (and comment to my husband) was "Hey, maybe they managed to get to have sex" because that is the only reason I could think of why two married people would both not answer their phones at the same time.

We lamented our own inability to have sex whenever we wanted because our house is full of 16-23 year olds ALL THE TIME. And I remember the note my son begged me to read left on his dresser the other day. I decided this was as good a time as any to share what I had read. Now, don't get mad at me - I did not write this note. I was merely an innocent reader. (Mother, if you're still reading I am really, really, reeeeaaaally sorry, but I warned you).

So the highlight of the note was that this girl said if my son died she would "Totally finger myself to death" basically so she could go marching right into death with him. There were a few mentions about how horny she is. Now, I asked my son, poor innocent thing that he is, who wrote this note. I knew it was not the handwriting of his long-time girlfriend, and also not her writing style, as far as I know. I've happened across a couple of her notes to him and there were pretty much puppies and unicorns and rainbows. He tells me this is a very old note, like from freshman year. I am not impressed. He throws a name at me, which he probably got from whatever was on television at the time, and I gave him the skeptical stink eye.

This is where I take a moment to say that I'm sure the contents of this note shocked my poor teenage son as much as they shocked the rest of us. It is not - I repeat, it is NOT his fault this deranged girl wrote such things to him. More importantly, we normally do not have conversations of this type in this house. But just like the way your young children will find the worst possible time, situation, and context to say a certain thing, today happened.

Oh, but if only that was the end of the story.

I decided to try once again to call my cousin-sister person. Which is when I realized that pushing the little round button at the bottom of my iPhone did not end the call with her husband and I had left him a rather long message. With the help of my husband and son. About... guess what? So then I did end the call and my husband and I decided this was most embarrassing. We wondered if the recipient would be playing this message to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, out of town relatives and their relatives - who will all be at the family gathering I was calling about in the first place.

Then the phone rang. And we knew who it was because we are psychic like that. I can guess with pretty much 100% accuracy who will call me after I leave a several-minutes-long raunchy message on their phone. Pretty much anyone, that's who!

Anyway, I need to get ready so we can go. We are planning on rewarding my son with a new phone because, hey, the kid is pretty much an angel except for when he's not and he's got stellar grades. Also, he's an angel.

And now I can not look my mother in the eye for at least a month.

A Good Haircut Makes All The Difference

Sadly, little pup didn't get one of those this time. He got something inspired interesting. As promised several days ago, here is the crazy 'hairstyle' my daughter gave the dog. Yes, she is old enough to know better. This was the day she did it. It's looking normal now. What a hoot!




For good measure here is a picture of him sleeping peacefully:

Weekend Update or: I Am So Talented You Are Sure To Be Jealous

This week I managed to cut my finger while opening one of these for my doggie. My daughter also has the uncanny ability to hurt herself in unusual ways. When I told her what I had done she gave me a high five.

Why I Failed To Post on April 1

I did not post on April 1st because I did not want you to think I was foolin' about the super-serious stuff I say on this blog. Do not worry, I will not tell you why I fail to post every day I am too lazy to bother choose not to do it.

I took pictures of the crazy 'hair style' my daughter gave the poor dog. I made sure his face isn't in the pictures because he was embarrassed. But of course I need some sort of adapter for this computer to use my SDPro card. So I can't share the picture with you right now like I planned. Okay, I could, but it would require actual effort on my part. Not happening right now. *sigh* (which is a thousand silent screams)

Please Stop!

Someone keeps hacking my blogs and adding lots of typos. It is really annoying. Please stop.

And don't you dare suggest it is me making mistakes. Don't. You. Dare.