Wednesday, November 21, 2012

DIY Mammogram

     While out shopping with my dearest, most elderly  old friend the other day we came across this:

A DIY Mammogram:

Health care reform, anyone?

Monday, October 22, 2012

Even Chicken Poop Is Lucky

     Yes, you read that right. In my experience, chicken poop is a lovely, lucky thing. Here's what happened:

     This lady, we'll call her 'Darla'- (because her name is really Marla, you see, so I'm protecting her identity because I am thoughtful) decided to have a giveaway on her blog. And I think 'Darla' was sitting around asking herself  "Self, how do those big judging agencies who give away big prizes, and the people who pull names for jury selection and God, in his infinite wisdom, decide who gets what?" And I think it dawned on her right at that moment - they let God's creatures decide!

     So she gets her bright idea and she runs with it, runs like the wind! Right out to the barn, I reckon. She engineered the most righteous, ridiculous, amazing, fair giveaway in the history of ever.

     She wrote all the names on paper and took the giant thing out for the chickens to poop on it. First poop to land on a name = winner! Well guess who some chicken pooped on first??? Me! I won a $45 gift certificate to CSN stores, which is now Wayfair. (I have used them a lot - fast shipping and great problem resolution, in the rare instances I've had a problem)

     My records show the next day I ordered a: Farberware Classic Stainless Steel 6 Quart Covered Stockpot. My records don't lie. I bet this was not a coincidence.

     If you don't believe me, go read 'Darla's' post yourself, where she chronicles the whole dang thing. Really, she is hilarious. You just can't make this stuff up.

     I also thinks this makes us even, winged population, for the time a bird pooped right on my head as I was standing in my front yard. At the time my friend was laughing her fool head off and I was just plain embarrassed, but now I see what the universe had planned.

    And it was Kismet, people, because She posted about the win on October 25th, which is my husband's birthday. I should always win something on my husband's birthday.

*Wayfair stores in no way sponsored, endorsed, or had previous knowledge of me writing this post.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Today's Parenting Tip

     Parenting Tip: Get your children to leave the good food for you by telling them "It has that stuff in it you don't like." This has worked for me for 25 years!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Halloween Is Over, But I'm Still Scared

     It takes a lot to shock me. The other day I came out of my doctor's office and on the way to the car in some landscaping thingy in the parking lot I spied a giant pair of granny panties. Who does this? Who tosses their giant butt-covers on top of wood chips and doesn't look back. It's haunting me.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Wait! Dinner. Suprise Show?

     Our Thursday night was unusual. My daughter wanted to go to The Cheesecake Factory for her birthday. Sounds good to me! Of course there isn't one near the house. It takes around an hour to get there. I called to make reservations for our party of nine, but they only take reservations up to five o'clock. No, I wasn't calling after that time. They don't make evening reservations. Odd, no? Okay, so we go and wait. No big deal. Everyone else can walk around while I entertain myself watching people. Most of us ended up waiting in the restaurant. Half of Cleveland was there that night.

     Once our hour and a half wait was over we went to our table and got comfy. We perused the 20+ page menus. We ordered beverages and realized our server was just a lot sassy. We like her! We were feeling quite celebratory that night. It was Allison's birthday, and her boy Michael joined us. Crystal's boy Alex joined us as well. They each added so much fun to the evening. This is an exciting time for each of them. Michael was on the Akron Zips soccer team. They just won the NCAA Division 1 championship. He got signed to go play major league soccer. He leaves soon for the combine, and then the draft. Alex just graduated college with his engineering degree. His internship with the company he loves turned into a full-on job with benefits and stuff. We are all so happy for both of them.

     While we were waiting for our food a man at the next table started playing with is utensils. Musically. It was cooler than ice cream! He did it a few times. I got my son Michael (yes, two Michaels) to capture some with his new camera. We noticed the people at the table were all leaning in just mesmerized by this old man. We started trying to guess who he was. Two of the guys said "Indiana Jones." (It was the hat) I said we might be sitting right next to Leonard Cohen's drummer or something and not even know it. Alex was all "Leonard Cohen has a drummer?" (For this he gets wise-guy points, redeemable at any family function for cupcakes) Maybe also a kick under the table, who knows?

      We all gobbled up our scrumptious appetizers, entrees, and desserts and were still paying attention to this man. He was too interesting. I announced that I was going to have to meet him. My husband got up went to the wash room. I started to wish I had not said I was going to do it and just done it instead. Now the family is encouraging me in a "We can make fun of you for this forever, if you'll just do it" kind of way. I somehow managed to involve our server. I might have asked her if they paid by credit card and if it was his card and could she find out his name. Or something. She came back with no information but offered to approach them.

     She approached the table. I could not hear exactly what she said but they all looked over. Of course I smiled and waved and looked at the old man in the Indiana Jones hat and said "Are you famous? Because you should be famous!" The lady next to him turned to him and asked "Did you hear what she said?!" Then she repeated it to him. They laughed. I went over and sat next to him and he held my hand and did not let go. I told him his dinner companions were all looking at him as if he was a hot fudge sundae and hanging on his every word so he had to be an amazing man. Still a death grip on my hand. (Forget about how I molested Ray Bradbury, right?) We had our nice little chat. He told me he interviews people. His words: like an international Larry King.

     Back at my own table we were chatting and the family was no doubt thinking they can't take me anywhere. The man and his group stop by on the way out the door. His friend leaned down and told me that while he himself is really a nobody, the other man is indeed famous. "Look up Marty Conn when you get home", he tells me. "I think You'll be surprised." I informed him that I am also a nobody.

     Since we are nothing if not technologically overindulged, we looked him up on the way home. Yeah, he's just a little bit interesting.
Two pieces of Marty trivia:
He was the last person to interview Bob Hope.
He helped launch the careers of Jay Leno and Barbara Streisand.

*Me with Marty. The photo is fine, I am a blurry person. Also, the camera adds 50 pounds.

The moral of the story is I am always right If I say you should be famous, you should!

     Now I wonder if Alex and Michael will ever been seen with us in public again?

Monday, December 27, 2010

Beverly Hills Never Looked So Bad: Housewives

So, Housewives of Beverly Hills, anyone? I haven't watched most of these 'Housewives' shows, but I did catch some Orange County and some New York.

The contender for phoniest person to date has to go to the wife of Frasier. Dude, seriously? Couldn't you find anyone more shallow? I don't usually dislike public figures, but this woman doesn't seem to have an authentic bone in her body - unless she's being catty. Better yet, she's the most authentic I have seen her when her psycho psychic friend is being catty. That's when she really seems the happiest of her season. Wow. I can't recall seeing a less human person portrayed anywhere else before. Is it just me? 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Shoveling Sunshine

Jo Schaffer from Shoveling in a Jo Storm  presented me with the Sunshine Award. Thanks Jo!

Now, I do not mean to sound ungrateful in any way. As a matter of fact, I'm more curious about how my little blog, which I assume about three people might see every month, could get an award at all. I was fairly certain those people were here quite by accident, and stayed only long enough to hit the escape button. Since I haven't filled you in on any of my embarrassing stories lately, what is there to come and see?

Not to worry, there has been embarrassment aplenty! A couple examples:

1. The other day I was in the living room with my college aged daughters. I was in my pajamas, and was not wearing socks. I see my daughters give each other one of those looks. You know, the look which makes you positive people are communicating something (about you) right in front of you. Crystal looked at me and her eyes got wide. Allison looked down and solemnly said "I'm not sure what to think." Oh! That! I hadn't shaved my legs.

2. The other month (almost a year ago now) I got to the house with a van full of Zachary's friends and we were all around the door removing our shoes and boots. I lost my balance, as I am prone to do, and grabbed the wall. Except it wasn't the wall. It was the derriere of one of Zachary's friends. Yes, mom of the year, right here. Very embarrassing. You know teenage boys never bring up stuff like that again to embarrass you. Oh wait! Yes, yes they do.

There is more. So, so much more. But you know, I need to leave some of the stories for my kids(and their friends, apparently) to tell to their therapists.

Thanks again, Jo!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Apparently, You CAN Fool Me Twice.

Saturday, we needed help with the cable. Our new box, which just replaced the new box we got on Wednesday, wasn't working properly. I made an appointment for 'some time between noon and two.'

At 10:38 I was out and about, nearly done with my errands, when my phone rings. It was Dino with Time Warner Cable. He said would like to come to the house a little early. When I asked how early he responded '10:45'. I was not going to be home by then so I had him call my husband.

Flash forward to when I get home. Dino had already been there a few minutes, waiting for the box to finish doing it's thing. We talked about Adelphia vs. Time Warner and how he used to work for Cablevision. We talked about all sorts of cable related items. When he was ready to go I joked that I should take his picture because last time a cable guy was out he did not take care of things properly. He had promised to call first thing the next morning, and we never heard from him again. I told him I even blogged about it and saved the name, supervisor's name and number, and ticket number in my phone. I started taking out my phone as my husband ushered Dino out the door. You can read about the past ordeal here, I'll wait.

Yes, you read it right...

Dino, you sneaky, slippery little sucker.

Our cable box still isn't recording or pausing, so someone will have to come out again. I hope it's Dino. I'm going to tell him!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Ice, Ice, Baby

     Auntie Kitten is at it again, kiddies! A little back story to start: One time we were at Great Wolf Lodge and some toilets were having issues. The maintenance crew brought giant buckets of ice and flushed them down the toilets, clearing the lines. It was icy magic, I tell ya'!

     Fast forward to today at my house. The toilet seemed a little hesitant to do its' thing. I remembered the ice lesson and poured a lot of ice into my toilet. Guess what? I had a toilet FULL of water and ice. I know you're wondering what I did next. I did what any logical person would do. I flushed it. Then I stood there saying "Oh noooooo. Oh noooooo. Lather, rinse, repeat a couple of times. My husband and son were of very little help. They were kind enough to laugh at me and tell their friends, respectively. I poured hot water in the toilet. Three times. It just welded the ice together.

     I offered to make ice cream in there, but sadly, I had no takers. Weirdos.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Slanket/Snuggie Update #1

     Here it is! To quote my mother on Facebook:
 Water damaged polaroid but proof, none the less, that you did indeed begin wearing robes backward by the time you were 19 months old!

     Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that I did indeed deserve the Slanket/Snuggie patent.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Snuggie/Slanket Tutorial

People, Auntie Kitten is disappointed in some of you. I really hate to be the one to bring a burgeoning industry to it's knees, but... seriously? A Snuggie/Slanket is pretty much wearing your robe backwards. I've been doing this for years. God knows I wish I had been the one to realize millions of people are not clever enough to realize this and capitalize on the dim-wittedness. I curse myself, really. Just not as much as I laugh at the millions of people who want a Snuggie/Slanket.

If you buy this - it's your own darn fault! Also, there's this bridge I want to sell you.

Don't say Auntie Kitten didn't warn you.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Just a Little Favor

We're going to Little Italy today. Please come and clean my house while we are gone! Don't forget to do the laundry!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Honest Scrap: From Lorelia Gilmore to Cruella De Vil

Kendhal over at Stepmom Extraordinaire decided I deserved this, so here we go! I am supposed to share 10 things about myself you may not know, but are absolutely true. I am also obliged to pass this on to 5 bloggers.

1. I used to find making lists one of the most comforting things in life. I realized it did not matter how many lists I made, they didn't change a thing. Now they do not carry the same meaning.

2. I have erased three things so far because I decided they were too personal. I am only on #2. This can not be good.

3. I usually feel like the one in the group who does not belong. I can never quite figure out why people have me around. I feel like this pretty much anywhere I am, except at home.

4. I can not believe I made it through the first 30+ years of my life without my husband. I can not imagine living one day without him now.

5. I have finely tuned intuition. Ignoring it is always a mistake.

6. The two favorite boxed sets of dvds I own are: Upstairs Downstairs and Gilmore Girls.

7. Compliments make me feel uncomfortable at least 7 out of ten times.

8. I have never had a beer, although I tasted one. Once.

9. Someone has left a comment for me on Fuel My Blog today.

10. Sometimes I feel like Cruella De Vil. Not because I want to make coats out of puppies though. Because I want to yell at people for being incompetent. (But coats out of puppies would be warm!)

p.s. I wanted to erase #3 as well, but if I keep erasing everything I am not comfortable with I will never write out ten things.

p.p.s. I just erased #5. It had to do with swimming and baton lessons and gymnastics.

Now, on to five of you suckers:

1. Nicole

to be continued - I'm lazy/sleepy/lacking brain function.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

A Stolen Meme I don't know why I did.

Today we ripped this meme off a blogger named Becky from Musings from the Sofa. She credits two bloggers for her theft, the Queen, and also Zoesmom. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft's thieves might take some time. Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!

Cheers to all us thieves!

Sunday Stealing: The ABC Meme

A – An advantage you have – The best husband any girl could ever have.

B – Blue or brown eyes – Who? Me? Hazel.

C – Chore you hate – Yes! All of them!

D – Dog’s name – Tony Blair

E – Essential start of your day – Warm blanket time.

F – Favorite color – Pink. Or lavender. Whatever, I can choose two if I want.

G – Greatest thing you’ve ever done that made you feel really good – I don't know if I can just choose one thing. Giving birth. Many times.

H – Habit you have – Making jokes. Changing the words to music to fit my situation/mood.

I – Issue you hate that the world tries to make you pursue – Bad news. I do not think it is necessary or even good for a person to hear a lot of bad news from all over the place.

J – Job title – Carer

K – Kohls or Target – Target!

L – Living arrangements – I live in a house with my husband, four kids, and a shih tzu.

M – Music you like – Most music, but it varies depending upon my mood.

N - Nicknames – T, Tam, Kitten,

O – Overnight hospital stay – only when I gave birth.

P – Pet Peeve – Just one? How rude! Nah, I'll just add an 's'. When people don't lift up their feet when they walk. I think lots of women think it's somehow cute. It's not. I better stick to one. We could be here all day.

Q – Quote that you like most –

Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you - Mohandas Gandhi

R – Right or left handed – Right

S – Siblings – nope

T – Time you wake up – Exactly when my brain says "Wake up!"

U – Underwear – Is this a yes or no question? I don't get it. I like underwear?

V – Vegetable you dislike – Asparagus

W – What makes you run late – Goofing around and not starting soon enough, usually.

X – X-rays you’ve had – Hmmm... shoulder, does a mammogram count?

Y – Yummy food you make – Oh. My. Ganache! Don't get me started. Fried potato tacos. Migas, baby cupcakes, salsa, Fantastic cookies. Okay, I'll stop.

Z – Zoo animal – Penguin!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Last Night Around The Dinner Table

We were at dinner when Crystal, who couldn't keep from checking twitter to see if she won an iPhone, said "Michael Jackson is dead!" I thought she was joking or someone else was joking but she said she got it from a totally trustworthy source - TMZ.

The first thing out of my mouth was "The Thriller is gone"

Then, after the girls decided who was going to write that on facebook, I said "I guess he beat it beat it beat it." and they were happy because now they each had something to write.

Later I went to facebook and added that he is "Gone too soon" but I don't think they got it.

We are all going to hell. How can you help what pops into your mind?

King of Pop, R.I.P.

Also, say "Hi" to Elvis for us!

p.s Crystal did not win an iPhone from twitter. In light of this tragedy, your paypal donations would be greatly appreciated.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

This One's for You, Bloggess

I went on vacation with my husband and four kids ranging in age from sixteen to twenty three. I said this was what I wanted for Mother's Day/My birthday. My husband, who says he likes to spoil me, agreed to this plan easy-peasy. Hilton Head Island, here we come! It's my favorite vacation spot. If they could put Versailles on the Island it would be my perfect paradise. Maybe I should start a petition? Would any of you sign it?

So... anyway... We were vacationing our little butts off (I love how I can make my butt little on my blog!) and we went to eat at Fuddruckers. The name seems almost porno, but really it's a groovy hamburger joint. I hope, for your own sake, you have eaten at a Fuddruckers.

Guess how they do things at Fuddruckers? You stand in line, place your order, and then go sit and wait until they call you. So when Ryan, who was having a birthday the next day, asked my name I got all giddy. I thought about it for a few seconds and then I said the only thing I could say, really. I said "Wolverines."

Ryan grinned and looked at me again "Wolverines?" he asked.

"Wolverines." I repeated.

He wrote it down, and a few minutes later, in a very packed Fuddruckers, the girl grabbed the mic and said "Wolverines, your order is ready." A few people laughed, but I'm pretty sure it was out of a deep, deep respect.

I saved the receipt in your honor, Bloggess, and if you ever decide to collect these I'll be glad to forward it to you.

Also, on the 12 hour drive home from Hilton Head we noticed a lot of people taking pictures of the back of our car. I can't figure it out. What is wrong with the back of my van?

Sunday, May 31, 2009

I Am Woman, Hear Me Be Ignored?

Yesterday I had something to say. I was being ignored. So I asked to be heard. Heard I was.

But you tell me... how is it when someone says "I have just listened to what you had to say. I heard you and I understood what you said..." it is certain they are about to tell you why what you had to say was of no consequence to them whatsoever?

So yeah, thanks for 'listening'.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Fool Me Once... And I'll Take Your Picture Next Time

From now on, when a worker comes to my house I am taking his photo. And a close up with his badge. And I'm going outside to his work vehicle to take pictures which include the license plate and the fleet number. This way, when someone like Dino from Time Warner Cable comes around and says he will call back first thing in the morning, and he doesn't, I can not only write about him on my blog, but also include photos. Because you know what? One thing more annoying than a sparsely intermittent internet connection for weeks is thinking it is being lied to by the guy who came to repair it.

Dino, why have you forsaken us? I offered you really good coffee. I apologized for the state of my basement. I tried to tell you the problem wasn't in my house, that it was a neighborhood-wide problem. What did you do? You replaced wires in my house. Okay, they might have needed to be replaced. You did some new outside wiring. Okay, I thought that was likely necessary as well. But then? Did you go do a test out at the pole in my front yard? No. You ran tests and realized the problem was still just as we had described it. Then you said 'they' would be running ping tests overnight and you would call first thing in the morning. You never called.

At 2:30 pm I called Time Warner Cable again. I got put through to four different people. I was told they would get with the field guys (I assume that includes Dino, and people like him) and someone would call me back. My phone rang nearly instantly. Dino! No - not Dino. Time Warner Cable. When I answered it was if I had placed the call to them. I had to go through the whole thing all over again. Except this girl said the work order was closed. She said we had two appointments, and got the new wiring we requested. What? We never requested new wiring. And we had one appointment. One.

After those two calls I had spent just under an hour on the phone. I had no resolution. I was told someone would come out to test the pole. Tuesday. Five days away. Time Warner, I might be taking this opportunity to switch over to AT&T for my television and internet. What do you think about that? I will be talking with friends and family to see who has it and how well they like it. If they are satisfied, and you don't do anything to regain my good will, I just may toddle over and spend my monthly money elsewhere.

If you come over to my house make sure you're ready for your close up. I'll be taking your photo.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

So My Friend Says Something About Tea Towels...

And here's what transpires in my head:

Funny you should ask about the towels. I was just in search of kitchen towels today. I prefer tea towels because they don't get all sassy with lint. Lint pisses me off. Remember, I have no dishwasher, so my towels need to dry my dishes without irritating me.

I'll ask. I like their birdcage & bike tea towels.

I haven't watched that move "The Birdcage" in a long time.

That's a damn funny movie.

Funny how my grandmother hid it from us. Probably because she thought it was 'sinful'.

That was a vhs tape anyway.

Where is that dvd/vhs player?

Maybe the kids have it somewhere. Basement? Crap, who cares, I don't even have the movie anymore.

I want chocolate.

Oh yeah, press "post"

Now you've had a glimpse into my head.

Scary, no?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The iPhone, The Finger, and Notes Passed In High School

Let me start by saying: Mom, please do not read this. You'll totally freak out. And you'll hurt your knees. Because you'll be on your knees praying for not only Zach's soul, but the soul of some girl at his high school who remains nameless. (Only because I don't know who it is) I was going to start a new blog and get a whole new internet identity so you would not be subjected to the temptation to go on after I begged you not to read this. But that is a lot of effort. So stop. Just stop.

So, anyway. For the rest of you. Here is the last 30 minutes of my life:

Call my cousin who is like a sister to me. Especially since neither of us had a sister. Leave a message for her asking which day she is mainly spending with the extended family because I want to be sure and do the same, to have some method of escape. And also so I can see her totally adorable girls, with whom I have formed an extreme mutual admiration society.

Since she didn't answer her phone I supposed she was in the car, or someplace like Macaroni Grill where she couldn't hear it ring. Or else she was shopping, in which case she would just let it ring. So I called her husband. He would be bored if they were shopping and gratefully answer his phone. Or so I thought. His phone rolled over to voice mail and all I could think (and comment to my husband) was "Hey, maybe they managed to get to have sex" because that is the only reason I could think of why two married people would both not answer their phones at the same time.

We lamented our own inability to have sex whenever we wanted because our house is full of 16-23 year olds ALL THE TIME. And I remember the note my son begged me to read left on his dresser the other day. I decided this was as good a time as any to share what I had read. Now, don't get mad at me - I did not write this note. I was merely an innocent reader. (Mother, if you're still reading I am really, really, reeeeaaaally sorry, but I warned you).

So the highlight of the note was that this girl said if my son died she would "Totally finger myself to death" basically so she could go marching right into death with him. There were a few mentions about how horny she is. Now, I asked my son, poor innocent thing that he is, who wrote this note. I knew it was not the handwriting of his long-time girlfriend, and also not her writing style, as far as I know. I've happened across a couple of her notes to him and there were pretty much puppies and unicorns and rainbows. He tells me this is a very old note, like from freshman year. I am not impressed. He throws a name at me, which he probably got from whatever was on television at the time, and I gave him the skeptical stink eye.

This is where I take a moment to say that I'm sure the contents of this note shocked my poor teenage son as much as they shocked the rest of us. It is not - I repeat, it is NOT his fault this deranged girl wrote such things to him. More importantly, we normally do not have conversations of this type in this house. But just like the way your young children will find the worst possible time, situation, and context to say a certain thing, today happened.

Oh, but if only that was the end of the story.

I decided to try once again to call my cousin-sister person. Which is when I realized that pushing the little round button at the bottom of my iPhone did not end the call with her husband and I had left him a rather long message. With the help of my husband and son. About... guess what? So then I did end the call and my husband and I decided this was most embarrassing. We wondered if the recipient would be playing this message to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, out of town relatives and their relatives - who will all be at the family gathering I was calling about in the first place.

Then the phone rang. And we knew who it was because we are psychic like that. I can guess with pretty much 100% accuracy who will call me after I leave a several-minutes-long raunchy message on their phone. Pretty much anyone, that's who!

Anyway, I need to get ready so we can go. We are planning on rewarding my son with a new phone because, hey, the kid is pretty much an angel except for when he's not and he's got stellar grades. Also, he's an angel.

And now I can not look my mother in the eye for at least a month.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A Good Haircut Makes All The Difference

Sadly, little pup didn't get one of those this time. He got something inspired interesting. As promised several days ago, here is the crazy 'hairstyle' my daughter gave the dog. Yes, she is old enough to know better. This was the day she did it. It's looking normal now. What a hoot!

For good measure here is a picture of him sleeping peacefully:

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Weekend Update or: I Am So Talented You Are Sure To Be Jealous

This week I managed to cut my finger while opening one of these for my doggie. My daughter also has the uncanny ability to hurt herself in unusual ways. When I told her what I had done she gave me a high five.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Why I Failed To Post on April 1

I did not post on April 1st because I did not want you to think I was foolin' about the super-serious stuff I say on this blog. Do not worry, I will not tell you why I fail to post every day I am too lazy to bother choose not to do it.

I took pictures of the crazy 'hair style' my daughter gave the poor dog. I made sure his face isn't in the pictures because he was embarrassed. But of course I need some sort of adapter for this computer to use my SDPro card. So I can't share the picture with you right now like I planned. Okay, I could, but it would require actual effort on my part. Not happening right now. *sigh* (which is a thousand silent screams)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Please Stop!

Someone keeps hacking my blogs and adding lots of typos. It is really annoying. Please stop.

And don't you dare suggest it is me making mistakes. Don't. You. Dare.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

List of Super-Smart Things I Did This Week. (and it's only Tuesday)

When I went to feed the dog his gravied-up food I missed his bowl (and the counter!) completely and it plopped on the floor. I went to grab paper towels to clean it up. I was going to get him a new one. He proceeded to eat it from the floor. Because... he is a dog. Yes, my dog is smarter than me. Surprise!

My daughter, who is just like me, backed up into a 4 inch curb and managed to bend the muffler into an L shape. If that's not enough, the muffler also managed to be wedged at the bottom of the tire. This counts as me because, as I already told you, she's just like me.

I have managed to insult several people without meaning to, of course. This is part of my considerable charm. My ability to say the wrong thing at just the right time will someday be world renowned.

I have forgotten, again, to go to the post office. I have had things to mail for weeks and managed to not get it done. This is very much out of character for me. One of the things I am good about is getting stuff shipped. Usually.

I have procrastinated in other areas as well. I did not get the luggage together for an upcoming trip. The flight is tomorrow. I'm still searching for one specific piece of luggage. It was hanging in the basement. It is not there now. Of course nobody knows where it is.

Posting this now, because I left it sitting (more procrastination) and if I do not post it soon it will not be Tuesday.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I Did Not Get Arrested! (aka The Martian Chronicles)

Did I ever tell you about the time I molested Ray Bradbury? No? I guess I was still waiting for the police to show up at my door. I think it's safe now.

My husband is a huge fan of Ray Bradbury. He was a little kid taking Ray Bradbury books on boy scout camp-outs to avoid death by boredom/frustration. It's a very real ailment, I assure you. For years now my husband would out-of-the-blue announce that Ray Bradbury was having a speaking engagement at this or that place. Then he would say he really should go. He would not go. I would feel kind of guilty. It was for a good reason like needing to spend the money on gasoline or electric bills or sugar-free Popsicles. Or good chocolate. Chocolate gets its' very own sentence. Or two. Or three. Make it stop!

Last month my husband announced Ray Bradbury would be speaking at Sierra Madre High School in Sierra Madre, California. This is where I pull down the map of the United States and count the states from Ohio to California like Tom Hanks did in Sleepless in Seattle. Ohio and California are not so close. But for some reason this time I did not help him get discouraged about the possibility. Instead, I spent many hours researching hotels. I found us a great deal on a hotel/air combo (GooooooooOOOOO Priceline!) and we shot off to Los Angeles.

We decided to get to the high school two hours early. Nothing was going to go wrong. We walked around the enchanting little town of Sierra Madre. We made some new friends (hi Karen!) and went back to the school to get our seats. There was hardly anyone there when we first got there, but after a while the place was full to capacity. Ray came out and talked (you can read more about this on my other blog.)

After the talk people stood in line anxiously to get their book of choice signed. And I say anxiously because they had announced he would only be signing a book for the first 100 people. We had some helpful reassurance from John of the Dragon Lapel Pin Tribe, and I stood around making friends in front of the stage while the Lion stood in line making his own friends. Today I wish I had thought to share information with some of those lovely people.

My husband got up on stage and I took pictures of him with Ray. A really nice lady took some pictures of both of us with Ray. At some point, and this is where it gets good, I grabbed Ray Bradbury's hand and forced it open. (And I really did have to force it open - it was not an easy task!) Then I kissed his palm and thanked him profusely. Then I started crying. I'm not sure if I cried from embarrassment or pure emotion.

As far as I know I am not banned from further speaking events.

As a matter of fact I think it was well received. We got to walk him to his car. And nobody else got to do that!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Kitten Goes To Hollywood

On my other blog I tell about going to Hollywood. (except it isn't posted yet) There I tell only the truth. Here, though, I give the rest of the story. A story which can only happen to me, or some kindred spirit. (bless their heart)

Hollywood is terribly overrated. Down by the theaters they were trying to get us to go in for the David Letterman show. We couldn't, because in Typical "Kitten Goes To Hollywood" fashion, well, here goes the story:

We went on a Warner Brothers in the morning. As we were leaving they gave us a list of nearby restaurants. Like, restaurants within a mile or two. One of them was actually a place we planned to visit while in L.A. But The Lion acted as if he didn't even see it and said we were going to Hollywood. We went to Hollywood. The Lion wanted to go to Chateau Marmont. We circled the place like hawks waiting for a parking spot. There seemed to be some sort of garage, but there were Town Cars sitting in the entry, and they never left. After chasing our tails for about ten minutes we decided to try something else. We found out the Peruvian place we wanted to eat was very close, so we went over there. It took forEVER to go a mile. Like more than 30 minutes, maybe nearly an hour? When we arrived, the place was closed. Typical Peruvian restaurant - opens for lunch, closes, then opens later for dinner. We drove around for a long time, again. When we finally got out of the car I told The Lion we had to really hustle because I needed a bathroom NOW.

Want to know what's a bad idea? Having sex when you know you are having your period! What's worse? Periods and orgasms are an interesting combination. (Yes, let's get that uterus contracting all day!) Then, for fun, let's go more than an hour without being able to get to a bathroom!

I ran into this donut shop where I saw a woman working. I asked her where the closest ladies room was. She said she didn't know. I asked her "You don't know where there's any ladies room around here at all? She was really hateful and said she didn't. I asked again "Seriously? You work here and you don't know anywhere with a ladies room?" The whole time she had this look on her face like she was just forced to eat a skunk or something. A couple of really nice guys told me there was a bar next door and I could run in there to use the facilities. I ran in there and I had bled through my Spanx and my pants. Lovely - I'm wearing pink pants and things are a mess. Luckily, it was colder in L.A. than Ohio that day and I had my coat. But it's hot when you're walking, you know (and also when the hot flash/panic attack sets in again) - and I couldn't even open my coat to cool off. So of course we couldn't take the guy up on his invitation to see David Letterman. Because I couldn't sit down and also ruin my white coat.

And because I can never let anything go? On the way back to the car I stopped and took pictures of the exterior of the donut shop and the "No bathroom" lady. She saw me on the sidewalk taking her picture and gestured frantically, shouting at me. I continued snapping photos and she continued shouting and gesturing. I waved at her and took more pictures. When I was done I gave her the good old thumbs up sign.

I'm so glad I made her mad by taking her picture and waving to her. She can rot. With her attitude I'm sure her life has to suck.

I went back to the hotel and scrubbed my pants and spanx, drying the spanx with the hair dryer, got dressed and went to dinner.

One Margarita, well earned.

*Not David Letterman, since he is in New York City. So really, I have no idea which late show they were trying to get us to watch. I feel better knowing I didn't pass up an opportunity to go into the Letterman show. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Super Smart Strikes At The Airport.

Try not to be jealous, okay? We arrived to the 'C' terminal and are thinking about two things:
1. Finding our gate
2. Finding breakfast.

If you know me well you know which one is more important to me. We were looking for our gate, but there was no indication of gate 21, let alone gate 21F. Because they whole trip had been enchanted there were, of course, three employees just sitting there (on a break) to answer any question I may have. They were all cheery and so was I. "Where is gate 21F?" I inquire. They look puzzled and said they really didn't know. Am I sure it's 21F? Even though I was (sigh) I opened my purse to get my boarding pass. As I was doing this I realized... My seat was 21F. My gate, on the other hand, was 50B, and not at all difficult to find. They laughed, I laughed, and The Lion laughed.

Breakfast was imminent. The gate could wait.

Friday, February 6, 2009

That's PFCPB To You, Punk

The best/worst (take your pick, I'm exhausted) part of today was when I took my 34B self to Victoria's Secret to be fit for a new bra. I knew I needed a fitting so I just acted all bold. I walked right up and asked for one. But that guy really only wanted to buy something for his wife, go figure. So I asked some gal who works there. She was glad to do it. After measuring me, which is never awkward or humiliating, she gave me a whole box of bras to try on. Thank God I carry pony tail holders in my purse because after a few I was getting what I'm pretty sure are the hot flashes combined with a full-fledged panic attack. I keep having her come back to show her how my boobs are suffering some kind of elephant man syndrome in these things. I tell her my old bra is better than these.

After much examination of my person she decides I need to go up not just one cup size, but two. I give her the hairy eyeball and thrust my boobs up towards her with my hands and exclaim "These boobs are NOT 34Ds! Look at me!" She tries to talk me down by talking about how I have this thing called a "Full Cup" and I should celebrate it because it's why my boobs are so perky. I have to admit, it sort of worked when she started saying stuff like "Perky". In the end she helped me a lot and deserves way way wayyyyy more than they paid her today. I can promise you that much.

I bought a bra and she wrote down the other style that worked for me so I can order more brases online. I now have a love/hate relationship with her, though. It's because the pink/pink striped bra I wanted to buy just didn't work for me. I wanted something greatly fabulous and that was it. But I couldn't have it. I think it's a conspiracy against people with cute little freckles on their shoulders or perky breasts. Or both.

For spending so damn much money they gave me some Godiva chocolates and I AM NOT EVEN LYING. Godiva chocolates from Victoria's Secret! They're sucky because I'm picky about my chocolates but I'm going to be a good perky breasted sport and eat them anyway.

From now on I would liked to be addressed as Princess (Full Cup) Perky Breasts, okay?